i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
