if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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