I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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