gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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