i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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