one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have tasted many bathrooms
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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