sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
