I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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