I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
