I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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