She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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