i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
