I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
