matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
