her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
did i just pee glitter
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
