Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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