My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
