could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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