Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
