You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
