You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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