I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I wear drunk well.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
