Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
