There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
