did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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