they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
