theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
