Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
