You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
