I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
