I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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