Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
