im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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