just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
