A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sober January is a disaster.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So. Much. Porn.
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