Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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