my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
