OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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