She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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