Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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