It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
