On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
