That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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