so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize