I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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