Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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