So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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