It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
