i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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