Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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