My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
