I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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