I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
accomplished twins. life is a go
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
