Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I deserve this hangover.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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