my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
