Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
